Friday, August 31, 2012

Little ball of sadness ... BE GONE.

Lately I am a little lost.
I am in this sad place and I am not liking it.

All day, every day I have this ache in my chest. This ball of sadness that sits. Waits. Tortures me.
I have tried to just let myself cry, I have tried to watch a sad movie, read a sad book. Hoping something would set off my emotions enough to just let me cry, feel sad, and move on from it.

Nothing is working.

So I ache, I feel like it is weighing me down.

I am still loving on life, I still stop in awe when I open curtains to an amazing sunrise, I still savour a slice of cake or a sip of my fav coffee combo at starbucks. I smile. Laugh. I am living my positive (much of the time), grateful loving on life journey.  I just have this little extra baggage of sadness on the trip.

I hope as spring takes hold, as I get outside more.
As September passes (my OMG money sucking month) and I get back on top of things my stress will ease.

I hope it is not my depression tunneling a little deeper into my soul.
But to help I want to get my vitamin combos I used to take to help my mental clarity.
I know this to shall pass.
I know this sadness will not always be there.
I can clearly see that.
But I just do not know how to evict it.

I just hate feeling like this so bad.

On the plus side.

In 17 days my baby is FIVE HOW HOW HOW can that be?
We are party planning, counting down, preparing for school crazy.

12 days after that my biggest baby is TEN. HOW HOW HOW did that happen?
Double digits needs to be a big celebration.

September is for celebrating my youngest and oldest. For loving on how awesome they make my life.

Its also for SPRING. Heck yes.

But for now I need to get my house tidy because we have friends coming to play board games with us tonight, we shall make hot chocolate and east snacks and giggle and have a blast.

My new coffee mug. I got my bestie one also. So true.

Sunday, August 19, 2012


From the 100 days of good thoughts project

Some free printable art I come across HERE

7 Questions to ask when you're not sure who you're becoming HERE

On parenting an angry child HERE

This shop is killing me with awesomeness... I want it all.. Like NOW.

Michelle from mumma and the kiddo does awesome link goodness posts.

I came across the 100 days project and love the idea. I especially loved this one, the idea of turning a bad thought into a good one. I want to an art journal and this could be a good theme.

It has been a LONG week. I got sick last weekend and it is still hanging around. A really sore throat, losing my voice. Aching ears. Just so tired.
I am hoping this week I mend up and all flows well as a week is long enough for this.

We have seen some friends this weekend and its always nice to have good company.
The big kiddos slept in the living room on friday night and watched movies which is always a fav weekend thing to do.
Today I baked cookies to share with friend and also a fresh batch tonight for a shared lunch tomorrow.
I love fresh warm from the oven cookies.

I hope you have all had a great weekend.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


I keep taking study breaks and start writing a blog post. Only to lose concentration and give up.
I am accepting today is not a good focusing day.
I have an assignment due today that I need to get finished up and emailed off before midnight.
While caring for 3 kids, a messy house, cooking dinner etc.

I'm also sick, have lost my voice and my throat is rather sore.
To say I am a little edgy and stressed would be an understatement.

I am hoping to get this assignment finished off at a decent hour and then blob out with a movie.
Tomorrow I shall clean tidy and catchup.

I got some great ideas off my last post and am going to work on keeping track of things a bit better in the coming weeks. I will let you know how that goes.

I have no idea what to make for dinner. Thank goodness tomorrow is grocery day.

I must get back to Selections and acquisitions.

Catch you on the flip side.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Help me get organized. Please.

How do you keep yourself organized?

Right now I am failing a little in this area.
Studying, parenting, gym, running a house has me all a mess.

I have assignments and school work to keep track of.
School visits for a little boy.
Big kids kapa haka practices and competitions coming up.
Plus normal school homework, school events.
Cubs and fundraising for Jamboree.
Plus gym time.
Housework. Bills. Chores.
Grocery lists, menus.

I need a system to keep track of things better. So I don't forget shared lunches or practices. So I don't leave assignments to late. A bit of a weekly schedule planned out and a way to make notes of whats coming up.

I need to feel more on top of it all.

Do you have a system?

I think I need some sort of calendar or weekly planner on the wall or fridge I can write things on.

A diary? to make notes in (if I remember to carry it and write in it and check it).

A clip somewhere to hangs notices from. Bills from etc?

I was looking at free printables online and there are many but I don't have a printer. I guess I could save a file and just go to print place and print enough to last a few months?

I would also like a template for blog post ideas or weekly plans.

So I ask, how do you keep on top of all this kind of stuff? What has worked for you or has NOT worked for you? Help a girl out.


Friday, August 10, 2012

Hello weird place.

Right now I am in a weird place.
Still restless.
If I was being honest I would say my depression seems a little worse lately.
I am hoping its because its the end of winter and that a seasonal change will bring more sun, warmth and outside time.
I have been off my meds for 18months now. I managed to get through some tough times and not need to go back on them so I am hoping this isn't the start of a downward spiral.

I worry about writing about my depression and anxiety on here. But then I also know it is OK to struggle with this, that one day someone else might read this and feel a little less alone. Either way I think I need to keep being honest, open and real about who I am and my struggles.

I am feeling disappointed with myself, I have been at the gym for a bit over 2 months now. I wanted to be able to see results. But I have let myself down by not eating the best. I try to remind myself that a few months ago I didn't really exercise enough and now I do, that's a big step. That its OK to not do it all at once and perfect. Its hard though when I am feeling quite low already, I think its making me judge myself so much harsher.

I am behind in my studies and not really into it at all.
This weekend I need to knuckle down big time.

I am moving rooms around and decluttering and loving the results. I just need to get rid of the excess furniture and stuff clogging hallways and the laundry. Change is good.

It has been a weird emotional week.
I hope I can get caught up with things this weekend.
I am going out on Saturday and I am hoping my anxiety doesn't stop me having a good time.

Next week will be better.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I am

I am feeling restless.
I am feeling tired.
I am feeling like I need change.
I am feeling like I need structure.
I am feeling a little all over the place.

I am finding it hard to focus on things.
I feel a bit out of sorts. Not bad. Just not quite settled.

I am thinking a big old spring clean is in order. I need to freshen up the place. 
I love changing up spaces and making them feel fresh and new.
I want to make a bit of a weekly schedule for myself to base my weeks on. With time sorted for the things that really need special time put aside.

Lately I am seeing so much beauty around me. I am noticing spring showing it pretty little head.
I am breathing in the air a little deeper, and getting seasonal allergies to boot.
I am sitting in my room in the evenings and enjoying the dusk for a just a bit. Reflecting on my day.
I am seeing changes in my little ones and wondering how I can best meet their needs.
I am loving how wonderful and deep my friendships are feeling. I am loving working harder at being a good friend.

I am feeling so content on one hand, yet lost and wandering on the other.
Maybe its a good thing. It happens to me every so often and I seem to always turn it into a time for self reflection. Maybe I need to feel lost so I can find my place again. HA look at me solving my own problems.

So I am going to do a little spring cleaning, rearranging, purging in some spaces. 
I have already fixed a few easy to do things that were bugging me, a door hinge, a curtain rail that needed put back up. Amazing how doing little niggling jobs can make you feel like you have achieved.

I am dreaming and planning for some outdoor areas, prepping the vegetable garden, planting some flowers. I have been weeding a lot this week.

We are all a little tired today as we had friends over for a movie party last night. It was fun.
I then stayed up and watched New Zealand win some Olympic medals. YAH. 

These boys are my favourite.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

If you knew me

I love Casey's posts that start with "if you knew me".

I was thinking like that today as I went about my day and wanted to put my spin on it into words.

If you really knew me (or lived inside my head).

You would know how sometimes at the gym I skip exercises because I feel intimidated by the people around me, I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself and I cant go through with it. I know in the end I am only short changing myself but its how it happens anyway.

You would know planning for Christmas and birthdays excites me to no end. I love a special occasion and a reason to celebrate.

You would know I love to do little things for friends to make them know I love them. Like buying savoury scones when a sick friend has a craving.

You would know I hate the amount of processed packaged food that ends up in my cupboards.

You would know I would drink coke zero all day every day and that giving it up (apart from when I have a bourbon or the like) has been and still is really hard.

You would know I am really proud that I did.

You would know I sometimes stop and feel the breeze, smell the fresh air, admire the fresh blue skies and almost sigh with contentment.

You would know spring and summer coming soon excites me A LOT.

You would know I WANT to craft and create all the time but seem to always be busy doing stuff that doesn't matter. Often avoiding stuff that does. I need to get better at time management.

You would know I sometimes see the ages on people blogs and have a moment of "They are younger than me and have it so together" .. Then I work hard to snap myself out of it and count my blessings.

You would know my kiddos are away for dinner tonight and I wont waste time cooking for myself so will eat a salad sandwich to save on dishes.

You would know my body and soul is tired. So tired. I am ready for winter to be gone. I am ready for rest, lots of rest. I need to feel refueled.