Thursday, July 26, 2012

Honest fat girl part One.

Today I am hobbling around, saying "ouch" a whole heap as I sit, climb etc.
Yesterday along with my friend Jac had a meeting with a trainer at our gym. It was time to learn some new things and make a new plan.

My previous gym plan was made when I was fresh out of hospital so it was very basic and had no strength training in it. I needed time to heal a bit.
So since then I had been doing a heap of cardio and the odd little play on strength machines but really not enough.
I want to see results by Summer. I have little goals in my head of being able to wear a singlet or maxi dress without layering it up to hide my arms.
I have spent to much time hot and sweaty in too many layers in summer because I am to ashamed to wear a singlet or really short sleeves.

I have lots of goals and victories I cannot wait to reach. I spend a heap of time thinking about these goals. Keeping my eye on the prize.

Some of them are.

  • Being able to wear a singlet happily.
  • Having definition in my calves and fitting the zip up boots I have that are slightly too tight.
  • Having definition/toning in my arms & back and feeling like I can rock strappy, low back or halter tops.
  • Being able to wear shorts. Its been a long time since I wore shorts.
  • Less of a belly... lets be honest after 3 kiddos this is a big one and one I don't think I can/will ever be happy with but I know I can improve it LOTS.
Then of course there are these goals/aims.

  • Hugely reducing my risk of further complications with my intracranial hypertension.
  • Reducing my sinus/allergy reactions.
  • Getting fitter and reducing my asthma.
  • Feeling more energetic.
  • Being fit enough to truly get the most from life.
  • Feeling like I can without shame get in the kayaks when we are camping at summer and giving it a go.
  • Going for hikes/runs with my dad (something I think could be a great bonding thing for us).
  • Being able to get a bike and take bike rides with my kiddos when my youngest gets off training wheels and gets some road experience.
Then you go into my own inner issues.

  • Being able to look at myself in a photo or the mirror and like something about how I look.
  • Being able to feel confident and attractive.
 I have a long way to go.

When I was a teen I struggled with depression, I can look back and see that now. I wish I had been able to see it then. But because of all that struggle, that judgement of myself, the negative self talk I never really loved myself as a teen, I always put myself down.
I never really truly felt confident.

When I was having my first gym meeting the trainer asked me "when was the last time you felt good about how you looked". I truthfully answered. "I never have". That makes me sad.

I know more now, I have been through enough to wear down some of the negative in me. I am learning to embrace life, to see positive, to feel pride in small achievements. Because of all that I am hoping as I reach small goals at the gym I will be able to love the changes in my body, I hope despite stretch marks, scars and bits that will never shrink back I will find a way to love my body. It will never be perfect, I will never be the girl in the magazine. But I hope I can find a way to feel beautiful, to feel attractive. Its been far to long since I did and every girl should feel pretty? I think so.


Kathy Moody said...

What a great post!! Your newest follower from the Monday Night's Mingle. :)


Kathryn said...

Absolutely! I feel the most beautiful when I get glimpses of myself through the eyes of my husband and children. They do not see or feel all of the judgements that I
put upon myself. Good luck on your goals, you can do it - one day at a time! I found you through the mingle. Now following via google friend and twitter. Would love follows back